| You ever listen to people? |
| When I was in England, I went into this cafe full of Afghani people, and
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| they’re-they just had crackly energy to their language. |
| I don’t know What they were saying, But
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| it was like- There’s energy. |
| We don’t have that anymore. |
| You ever listen to people? |
| You ever
|
| listen to what People really sound like? |
| The other day I was In some whatever coffee- I don’t
|
| know, You can only be in six places. |
| Whichever one I was in. And I’m listening to just fat White
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| people talk to each other. |
| These two fat white guys Behind me. |
| One of ’em is like… And his
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| friend’s like, “I know, it’s… …Obama. |
| ” These two women are talking. |
| One of them’s like… “I
|
| know, it’s… ” “… Stephanie. |
| ” Anyway, I was listening To the two guys, And one of ’em used a
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| word That really pissed me off, Because it was how he used it. |
| He used the word “Hilarious.”
|
| That’s one of those words That we use- That we don’t care What it means. |
| We go right for the
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| top shelf With our words now. |
| We don’t think about How we talk. |
| We just say the- Right to the
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| fucking just- “Dude, it was amazing. |
| It was amazing. |
| ” really? |
| You were amazed? |
| You were
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| amazed by A basket of chicken wings? |
| Really? |
| Amazing. |
| What are you gonna- What are you
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| gonna do With the rest of your life now? |
| What if something Really happens to you? |
| What if
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| Jesus comes down From the sky And makes love to you All night long, And leaves the new, Living
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| lord in your belly? |
| What are you gonna call that? |
| You used “amazing” On a basket of chicken
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| wings. |
| You’ve limited yourself verbally To a shit life. |
| All these words we use. |
| “Genius.” |
| That’s- You
|
| can-anybody Can be a genius now. |
| It used to be You had to have a thought No one ever had
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| before, Or you had to invent a number. |
| Now it’s like, “hey, I got a cup in case we need another cup.” |
| “Dude, you’re a genius.” |
| So these guys, They used “hilarious. |
| ” And I remember the context
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| exactly, Because I had The hate recorder Running in The back of my head. |
| I was just standing
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| there Fucking angry. |
| I’m listening to ’em. |
| One guy says to the other guy, He goes, uh, “Hey, dude,
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| so, uh… So guess who I saw today. |
| ” And his friend goes, “Who?” |
| I swear to God That’s how he
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| said it. |
| It just slid out. |
| Just “who?” |
| I was like, “Tighten your lips up, man. |
| Make an effort. |
| ”
|
| “Who.” |
| That’s how a person talks. |
| This guy, He’s just secreting words out of the front of his head.
|
| “Who?” |
| So his friend goes, “I saw Lisa today.” |
| And he goes, “That’s hilarious.” |
| How the fuck is
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| that hilarious? |
| That you saw Lisa. |
| Is Lisa a poodle on her hind legs? |
| How is that hilarious? |
| Was
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| she standing next to Jerry Lewis when he was younger? |
| How the fuck is that hilarious? |
| Do you
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| know what “hilarious” means? |
| “Hilarious” means so funny That you almost went insane When
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| you heard that sh- It’s just so funny That it almost ruined your life. |
| You’re homeless now because
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| You can’t cope or reason anymore because that hilarious thing just shattered your mind, And
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| three months later you got shit and leaves in your hair, and you’re drenched in pee in the gutter.
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| That’s how funny “Hilarious” is. |
| I don’t know This Lisa cunt, But she ain’t that funny. |
| There’s just
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| no way. |
| She’s that funny on sight? |
| Fuck her. |
| Seriously. |
| I hope she’s dead. |
| I really do. |
| I hate her. |
| I
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| hope she died today. |
| Weirdly and horribly. |
| I hope the person She loved most Pushed her off a
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| cliff, And she was just falling and Screaming the whole way down, Never accepting it. |
| And then
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| Superman swooped her up And then dropped her from higher. |
| I seriously hope that happened…
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| to stupid Lisa. |
| With her one tit bigger than the other, and her fucking frizzy hair, and her… Her
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| big nose. |
| Fucking Jew. |
| What am I doing? |
| I’ve lost my mind.
|
| “Jew” is a funny word, Because- It is. |
| Because “Jew” is the only word That is the polite thing to
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| call a group of people And the slur for the same group. |
| Most groups have a good and a bad-
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| Theirs, the same word, Just with a little stank on it, And it becomes a terrible thing to call a
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| person. |
| ‘Cause you can say. |
| “He’s a Jew.” |
| It’s fine. |
| but “he’s a Jew.” |
| Like, that’s all it takes. |
| I wish |
| the president would slip one into a speech That’s just on the border, Just to fuck With people’s
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| heads. |
| Just in the middle, You know. |
| “We all got to get along In this country. |
| “We need
|
| everybody. |
| “blacks and whites And Christians and Jews, And let’s just try to…” Hmm. |
| I don’t…
|
| Can’t call him on it, But that seemed inappropriate.
|
| Fucking Lisa. |
| Fucking Lisa, man. |
| It’s just- It didn’t deserve that. |
| The story didn’t deserve- Here’s
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| what he should have said. |
| This is what That story deserved. |
| It should have been like, “I saw Lisa
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| today. |
| ” The other guy should have said, “That happened. |
| ” That’s it. |
| That’s all it deserved. |
| He
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| should have said, “That happened,” And then they just should have started making out. |
| I don’t
|
| know why I wanted that. |
| I just wanted these Two old fat guys To just start blowing Each other on
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| the floor. |
| Not even gay blowing. |
| Just awkward, heterosexual sucking, That they don’t know What
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| they’re doing. |
| And they don’t even get hard Partway through. |
| They’re just sucking Each other’s
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| soft penises. |
| And they’re both crying, ‘Cause they’re embarrassed and confused. |
| Now that
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| would be hilarious. |
| Then you would have a story that you could call hilarious without being
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| accused of hyperbole.
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| It’s amazing, the stories that people think are interesting. |
| And that’s always one of ’em, Is when
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| your friend ran Into somebody from their past, And they can’t Wait to tell you. |
| And first they want To tell you for 40 minutes How blown away you’re gonna be That they saw this person.
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| “Dude, you’re not gonna believe Who I saw today. |
| ” Yes, I am. |
| Course I am. |
| Don’t even tell me. |
| I
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| don’t care. |
| “No. |
| No, dude. |
| “Dude! |
| “When you find out- Holy shit! |
| “When you find out who I saw,
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| “You are gonna shit in your Father’s mouth when I tell you. |
| “I’m serious! |
| “When I tell you who I
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| saw, “You are gonna Kill, fuck, and eat “Four Mexican retarded kids When I tell you who I saw
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| today. |
| “I’m s-you’re gonna do that. |
| “I’m serious That you’re gonna do that. |
| “You’re not gonna-
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| “You’re just gonna rip out your asshole “And throw it on the wall. |
| “It’s gonna stick there, “And
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| you’re gonna dive through it Into another dimension. |
| ” Tell you who I saw today. |