| No, I never was in Vietnam
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| I never once dove into an empty swimming pool
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| I never let the carpet walk right out from under me
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| I never painted a house or a tree
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| I never did become an exotic dancer
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| Or a customer service representative
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| I never took the pulse of a dying duck
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| Or gave mouth to mouth resuscitation to a horsefly
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| In a way I s’pose you could say
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| My experience is quite limited
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| For example, I never locked Oliver Cromwell in a broom closet
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| While singing Waltzing Matilda
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| I never sawed a television in half
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| Although I once saw Wendy O’Williams saw a guitar
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| I never played a decent game of jacks
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| I never played poker with a toothless one eyed pirate
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| Who kept picking his teeth with a bowie knife
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| To distract me while his parrot looked over my shoulder
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| And told him what cards I had
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| By using an elaborate code involving
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| Vomiting, chirping and sea shanties
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| I never bought a lamp
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| Wait I did buy a lamp once
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| But I never bought a lantern or a lambskin prophylactic
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| I never bought lima beans or lime pudding
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| I never bought a lion or a Lionel Richie album
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| I never bought anything beginning with the letter «L»
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| Except lollipops, lightbulbs and lettuce… and the lamp
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| I never laid down for a nap
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| And found the Everly brothers in bed with me
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| I never let a cyborg take out the garbage
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| I’m sorry I stole the radio
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| I did it
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| I sawed the legs off the periodic table
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| I re-elected the President
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| I did it, it was my fault
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| I farted in the church
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| I’m sorry I did many many bad things
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| And I am so sorry |