| I know this song sounds like a 70's TV Show theme
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| Maybe because me and the guy who are playing it are 49 and 53
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| Maybe we watched a lot of Welcome Back, Kotter and maybe we watched a lot of
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| Sanford and Son
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| Maybe we watched a lot of Three’s Company or Family Ties or maybe a lot of
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| Brady Bunch or whatever that one was with the re-runs
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| Aw man, who didn’t want to get down with Marsha Brady?
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| Suzanne Somers or Valerie Bertinelli
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| Or Farrah Fawcett, Kate Jackson, or Jaclyn Smith
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| Nobody watched Charlie’s Angels without having a favorite pick
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| All I know is this reminds of the theme to Barney Miller
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| It wasn’t intentional, just adding a song on the record for filler
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| Maybe this song will cause you to have a wet dream
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| Maybe this song will cause you to connect with an actual human being
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| And maybe you’ll hear this song when the sun is up
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| Maybe you’ll hear it when you’re down in the dumps
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| Maybe you’ll hear it on a Spotify stream
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| Your girlfriend’ll say, «Eww, you actually like this shit?»
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| Break it off with you and leave
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| Or maybe you’ve already turned this song off
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| Or maybe you’re playing it and going, «Check this out, boss.»
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| Maybe you can’t relate to this song
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| Maybe you’re a millennial and you don’t know the references at all
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| Maybe you’ll hear it and say, «I prefer your older songs.»
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| Or maybe the world has changed and I’m not that songwriter anymore
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| Sitting around, moping about the hardships of being twenty-four (being
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| twenty-four)
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| I’ve heard old that stuff, that’s great, and it’s available at the Amazon store
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| (the Amazon store)
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| If you like those steel-string guitar sounds and those old slow beats (those
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| old slow beats)
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| That’s cool, but be careful when you’re walking across the street (across the
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| street)
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| With those headphones in those inner cities (the inner city)
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| A car might hit you, you might get mugged by a thief and you’ll wish that you
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| had a clue (you had a clue)
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| Or you might fall asleep playing this album in the background
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| Thinking okay (?), this is a pretty nice sound (pretty nice sound)
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| And then maybe by the time it’s about two or three (two or three)
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| You’ll find yourself deep asleep, having a trippy dream
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| Just back from L.A. where I recorded vocals to the «Seventies» track
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| You can tell I spent a really long time on the lyrics, right?
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| I spent months on those, thank you
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| Anyhow, it’s a beautiful spring day in San Francisco
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| And just as I sat down to take a breath, I heard something crash in my hall
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| I walked over and part of the ceiling fell off
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| And I was like, «Jesus fucking Christ, can’t I get a fucking break?»
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| So I texted my building manager and she said a guy would be over to look at it
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| He came over to check it out and all of things I ended up hiring him to redo my
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| bathroom
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| I’ve been in the building for twenty-two years and it’s time for some new
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| scenery in there
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| I told him I wanted a white tile with gray veins
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| My building manager warned me that he was colorblind
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| So I pointed to a marble top stand that’s gray and white
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| He said, «That's brown.»
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| I said, «No, man, that’s gray
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| You know? |
| Like your hair, man. |
| Gray.»
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| He laughed and said, «Okay, okay.»
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| I said, «Hey, I got a little gray too. |
| I’m not picking on you. |
| But please just
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| tell the guy at Home Depot gray and let them pick the color.»
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| Fingers crossed that he gets it right
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| It was a long weekend and I went to bed and I just woke up from a long sleep
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| I dreamed I was invited to Farrah Fawcett’s house
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| It was a big, beautiful house somewhere in California
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| There were maybe ten people there, none of whom I knew
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| Though Farrah was older, she looked just liked she did in Charlie’s Angels
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| And she was kind and a wonderful host
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| Her house was enormous with lots of glass and light
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| And a nice open living room
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| I took a walk outside and all the land around our house was rolling hills
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| leading to the Pacific Ocean
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| The land looked something like a cross between Monterey, Carmel, Big Sur,
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| and Point Reyes
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| With beautiful orange flowers for days and days
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| The ocean was off in the distance a bit but I walked down there |
| And when I got the ocean, it wasn’t the ocean anymore
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| But a river
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| There were two couples fishing who didn’t appear to know what they were doing
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| One of the girls said she caught a fish but was struggling to reel it in
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| I offered to help and she gave me the pull and warned me that the gear had been
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| rented
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| The line seemed like it was snagged on something
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| As I was pulling, I noticed a small boat floating towards us
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| Holy fuck, her hook was caught on a small boat and I was reeling the boat in
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| I didn’t know why I didn’t think to cut the line
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| I guess it was sort of fun catching a boat and everyone was laughing
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| When the boat finally got to the shore
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| It crashed fairly hard onto a dock
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| But not too hard
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| Of all things, a few people were inside
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| I entered the boat to discuss the damage with them
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| They laughed and said not to worry about it
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| That the fishing pole probably took more of a beating than the boat
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| I thanked them and when I jumped off the boat the girl looked petrified
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| I said, «Aw, god, I’m really sorry to tell you this but the boat owners want to
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| sue. |
| They said there’s quite a lot of damage in there, many of their belongings
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| as well as the motor and some damage to the back of the boat.»
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| She began sobbing and I immediately hugged her and said, «Nah, nah,
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| I’m just kidding. |
| It’s okay, there’s no damage. |
| They’re super nice people and
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| they even offered to give you a new fishing pole if yours was damaged.»
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| She said, «Aw, god,» she took a deep breath, then she said, «Let's just get the
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| fuck out of here.» |