| I need to stretch more, my left knee
|
| If I bend down to pick something up I gotta grab hold of something to lift
|
| myself
|
| It used to be my right knee and now it’s my left
|
| It must have been my left that was supporting my right all this time,
|
| and now the left is giving out
|
| Like my mom, I’ll likely end up with knee replacements
|
| Caroline and I are just back from lunch
|
| And a nice walk, except for seeing a seagull that’s legs were tied together by
|
| fishing line
|
| And nobody could do anything about it
|
| Because he was in an illegal, closed-off section of the pier
|
| He could let the wind pick him up and soar a little
|
| But he’d descend back to the cement and land crookedly on his tied up legs
|
| Left behind, watching his flock soar, screeching for their help
|
| Caroline and I were in a panic asking people for scissors
|
| I was gonna jump the barricade and cut the line that tied his legs together but
|
| we couldn’t find anything
|
| We couldn’t even find fingernail clippers
|
| We found a fishing one with a big bloody serrated fishing knife
|
| But the line that tied the seagull’s feet together needed to be snipped quickly
|
| Trying to saw the line with a knife while a seagull was fighting you off could
|
| tear his legs off
|
| I’m no expert in animal rescue, but that knife wasn’t gonna work
|
| Plus, people were gathering around
|
| And fuck if I was gonna be caught on video jumping a barricade on a fishing
|
| pier with an enormous bloody knife in my hand
|
| I can see the headline now, «Crazed Musician Jumps Barricade Bludgeoning
|
| Seagulls With Large Knife»
|
| A fisherman threw him an anchovy and another seagull chewed it up and spit it
|
| down the disabled seagull’s beak
|
| The helpless seagull did one last soar and landed in the bay
|
| My shoulders slumped, and I said to a middle-aged British tourist next to me, «Well, I guess he’ll be part of the food chain.»
|
| He and I then talked about how we eat animals that we hoped were treated
|
| humanely
|
| And I interrupted him, «Wow, we’re two old white dudes patting ourselves on the
|
| back, who are we kidding?
|
| Every animal we eat is killed against their will.»
|
| Then we talked about plastic, and how we grew up with plastic
|
| And now we’re told not to use it anymore
|
| And right there before our eyes was the reason that plastic is slowly being
|
| phased out
|
| I’m going fishing tomorrow, I hope someone invents some sort of eco-friendly
|
| fishing line
|
| Maybe they already have, I’ll have to ask around
|
| For perch and rockfish, I use two to three hooks set about a foot-and-a-half
|
| apart
|
| With a three-ounce weight tied to the bottom
|
| If one of those hooks gets caught on a rock covered in mussels
|
| While trying to reel in a fish, the line breaks, and the fish gets bashed
|
| against the mussels every time a wave comes
|
| Until a seal comes around and gets him or the crabs pick him apart
|
| Yes, they become a part of the food change
|
| But I hate to think of a fish stuck on a line like that, and being bashed
|
| against the rocks
|
| And the plastic line that’s out there in the water
|
| The tourist said that he and his wife were famous for owning a one-off handmade
|
| car that was made in the late-60s
|
| That they were on some British TV show
|
| I chucked and said that I was B-level famous
|
| They said, «B-level famous for what?»
|
| I said, «Ah, I’m a musician.»
|
| They asked what I sounded like
|
| I said, «Well, like Nick Cave I guess, sorta dark.»
|
| The guy lit up and said, «Alright, Nick Cave!»
|
| When being asked what kind of music I play, I always try to get inside the head
|
| of the person who’s asking
|
| Walk in their shoes for a second, and think of a denominator they’ll connect
|
| with
|
| I’ve answered this question many times with various replies ranging from Neil
|
| Young to R.E.M to Radiohead
|
| Something they’ll know
|
| It’s the right way to get it over with when you realize the jam you’ve put
|
| yourself in
|
| Like this one, two old guys talking about our fame while absolutely no one
|
| hovers around us asking for autographs
|
| He talked about how he didn’t know who Nick Cave was until Nick collaborated
|
| with a famous female singer
|
| I can’t think of her name, I don’t know enough about Nick Cave |
| But to bring this conversation to an end as quickly as possible,
|
| I pretended I knew exactly who the female singer was
|
| And he said, «Yeah, she’s who put him on the map!»
|
| In the middle of all of this, Caroline got a text that our table was ready
|
| I could see the relief in her face
|
| Not only because we’d be eating lunch soon, but also because we found a genuine
|
| segway to shake off the tourists
|
| The lunch place was way up on Polk street and we needed to get moving
|
| We shook the British tourist’s hands and said goodbye
|
| Caroline said, «That poor seagull, and my God, that conversation went on for a
|
| long time Mark!»
|
| I said, «Well, I was the one who started it.»
|
| The sound of that seagull’s panic is something I won’t soon forget
|
| Nor the tourist going on about his rare one-off handmade car
|
| On our way back up Russian Hill, we talked about the seagull
|
| And I grumbled about a friend who has mysteriously turned all pouty on me about
|
| vague things
|
| I’m not sure what the issue is, but he hasn’t communicated with me for about a
|
| week
|
| If you’re a man racking your brains trying to figure out why your friend is
|
| ignoring you and being uncooperative
|
| Creating walls for reasons that you can’t identify
|
| The answer may lie in the fact that he’s significantly shorter than you
|
| If he’s older than you, that could be it too
|
| Or maybe if he’s single
|
| What did Captain Ahab say in Moby Dick?
|
| Something like, «The old whales attract less females, it makes them bitter.»
|
| We finally sat down for lunch on upper-Polk street
|
| While I was drinking my iced tea, a waitress with a British accent handed me a
|
| plastic straw and asked, «A cont or a bond?»
|
| I said, «I'm sorry? |
| Excuse me, I didn’t understand.»
|
| She looked at me perturbed and repeated, «A cont or a bond?»
|
| In the middle of that Sunday brunch den, for a solid 10 to 15 seconds
|
| I had no idea what in the fuck was happening
|
| With vacillating eyes, I nodded yes
|
| She handed me the straw and dashed quickly away from the imbecile of the day
|
| I was shaking my head, confused, looking at Caroline like, «What did I do?»
|
| Caroline leaned in towards me and said, very quietly
|
| «The waitress was asking you, 'Do you want contraband?'» |