| Make yourself like Milton Jacobson
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| To get ahead in vaudeville
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| Burlesque in Detroit Michigan
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| To get ahead in vaudeville
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| Forbidden nights and burning moments
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| Playful girls and savage crime
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| If you want to get ahead in vaudeville
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| Be a witness to the march of time
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| If you want to get ahead in the showbiz game
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| Be sure that your ideas are fresh
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| Does anybody have a toothpick, ma’am
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| Has anybody got boiled eggs?
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| We’re going to play a game of Screeno
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| While the girls kick up their legs
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| If you can tell a joke about the eggs I broke
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| Or a man who had a dog called Sex
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| Bone 'em up in Barnum’s Lexicon
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| The words that pull the biggest crowd
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| 'Sexotic, sexquisite, sexsational'
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| Make sure your poster’s extra loud
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| Get girls from the Accordion College
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| Gigantic reptiles can be nice
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| Busby Berkley wheelchairs, my oh my
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| Bums dressed up as bears on ice
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| You’ve said such lovely things about my handlebar mustache
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| You’ve said such lovely things about my hat
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| Here’s a genuine semi-precious stone
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| I just wanted to tell you that
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| I’ve been watching with binoculars from opposite the theatre
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| And you’re a lovely person, but
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| You’ll never get ahead in vaudeville
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| If I catch you with your hand in the till
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| (One more time)
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| If I catch you one more time with your hand in the till
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| You’ll never get ahead in vaudeville |